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Audio Version

There’s a point, around the age of twenty, when you have to choose whether to be like everybody else the rest of your life, or to make a virtue of your peculiarities.
― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous Utopia

A profound love between two people involves, after all, the power and chance of doing profound hurt.
― Ursula K. Le Guin,  The Left Hand of Darkness

Life is a short pause between two great mysteries. Beware of those who offer answers.                                                                                                              — Carl Gustav Jung

The secret is that only that which can destroy itself is truly alive. Life that just happens in and for itself is not real life; it is real only when it is known.
― Carl Gustav Jung

The ancient practice of alchemy had the goal of turning base materials such as lead into gold. In other words, the attempt was to take something that was apparently of little or no value and turning it into something of great value. The ancient alchemists would brew up a pot of such material, cook it at what was deemed to be the right temperature for what seemed to be the right amount of time, and then look for the gold. Now, alchemy in the present context is not to be taken literally, let alone scientifically. I bring alchemy into my therapeutic discourse because the idea of transforming disavowed psychic materials into prized materials is central to what we will focus on for our own growth, well-being, and in the service of caring for others including our children.

Some have suggested that the ancient alchemists were achieving non-ordinary states of consciousness through their inhalation of the cooking fumes! It seems to me that most of us are in one way or another seeking a different state of consciousness than we ordinarily inhabit: one that offers a way of knowing that provides access to a felt sense of increasing aliveness and a felt vision of Deep and engaged Democracy.

In this Field Note, I will introduce two main ideas that are a beginning point to address the incredible depth and breadth of the complexity of the interaction between two or more human beings:

· The principles of alchemy in the inner and relational worlds

· The practice of ‘cooking’ the psychic base materials in the service of transformation towards “gold”

I am hopeful that your thoughts and feelings are already at work. If not, I propose that you pause for a moment and see what comes to mind about psychological alchemy. Reflect on the terms, ‘multi-dimensional connection’ and ‘relational field.’ Give yourself permission to let whatever is in you that wants to come up, surface.

The Base Materials to Transform

Carl Gustav Jung suggested that alchemy in the psychological sense was an excellent representation of the inner process that encapsulated the growth and development of a human being. The ‘base material’ in psychic alchemy would mostly be the disavowed personal and collective Shadow material derived from the influences of well-meaning and often misguided, parental figures, schools, religious institutions, governing bodies, the zeitgeist of the dominant culture, and personal and trans-generational collective history and its influence. We are indeed the endpoint of existence from the beginning of time, and this is so each moment in time and really has always been so. Indeed, this intergenerational history is likely a very heavy burden for each of us to carry. Let us take stock of our existential situation: being born a human.

I have a view that is common with many spiritual traditions and psychological paradigms that each of us is born with our true nature already present in seedling form. We are born whole, at least in our deepest layer of being. However, untoward events and influences certainly start to take place during the birth process and, even, prior, in the womb: events occur that are not in the service of the nature of the unborn and the emergent infant. For example, the passage through the birth canal is surely a very stressful and even an initial traumatic experience. Many birthing mothers have died; many infants fight for life to emerge from the womb and into the relative strangeness of the outer world. Along with this, the experience of emerging from an aquatic environment into an air-filled environment that requires a totally new method of getting oxygen is surely rather shocking to the system.

Consider also that the infant is not capable of the kind of cognition that can mediate the immediate experiences that are distressful and frightening. Without a tremendous amount of support, care, and love that supports recovery from this event, the infant would be reflexively and automatically in a fight for survival. I would suggest that birth even into the warmest and most loving environment is an incredible contrast to what went before. Imagine this as a deeply inscribed pattern in your consciousness.

Essentially, I have been talking about that which we commonly call trauma. Let us add a word and re-name it, existential trauma: the trauma of being born as a human being, carrying all the intergenerational shocks and challenges, and facing more shocks and survival challenges after being born. Of course, if one is born into circumstances and environments that are not hospitable, as noted previously, the ongoing effects are very likely to be long-lasting, indeed life-long. These trauma materials are all available to become the base material for the inner alchemy.

Each of us has our own specific group of base materials to transform. Such materials include all aspects of possible human experience and expression, ranging from deeply held beliefs and values and the in-the-moment expression, along with identified lacunae, attitudes, tones, and gestures. Specifically, we all come from an incredibly long line of ancestors, all of whom had genetic predisposition, epigenetics, and lived within complex cultural and environmental conditions.

How to Cook the Material

Where do we start and how do we proceed with our psychic alchemy? I suggest that the starting point of the alchemical process will need to be an awakening awareness, and coming to know what took place—i.e., the wounding—and having the desire and intention to halt the damaging process and start to heal and grow towards our optimal human potential.  Hence, the core requirement for this alchemy is developing the level of awareness that can acknowledge your painful inner experience and developing the capacity to study it and learn from and about it in all its dimensions. And since we humans are relational beings, we can best develop our awareness in the context and environment of our relationships, starting with the self-to-self relationship, through our reaching out to each other, and increasingly in larger groups of humans. 

Let’s start with the self-to-self relationship. Turn your attention inward. Just let whatever is most obvious to you be your point of focus. For most people, the hardest place for your attention to go is that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and unwanted. Doing this is, understandably, counter to inclination, and yet it is the way in and to your transformational possibilities. Key to taking this difficult action is creating and being in a relational environment that is kind, compassionate, and psychically safe. It truly helps to have the support of another person or people who can create such an environment, but the self at a point of some maturity can also create this.

It is possible to develop a positive and even inspired attitude towards that which is unwanted, uninvited, and even horrible. You could ask, what is inspiring about such apparently awful experiences? My answer: the opportunity to become more of who you really are, to feel stronger and better, feel more fully alive, and the possibility of contributing to the overall wellness of your own and other’s worlds. It may also be that you find yourself both drawn and horrified. These polarized inclinations are common and represent in the moment the reality that most people live, namely, yes-and-no, stop-and-go, and so on. For this, the next step of ‘cooking the material’ awaits.

Two main ways that you can heat the inner material to the right temperature and for just the right amount of time are with your own awareness and expression of your meta-dimensions. Simply put, your meta-dimensions are your attitude and way of being that shows up through your in the moment expression of your most deeply held values, feelings, and thoughts.

In summary, the material in the inner world needs to be cooked at the right temperature for the right period of time and is dependent upon the meta-dimensions of the alchemist, You! Those present in a relational field and how they are in the moments of an encounter will certainly affect the process and outcome. Just as cooking for multiple people with different dietary requirements and tastes is far more complex than cooking for one person, “cooking the material” in the relational field is complex. In the next section, some initiatory ways to address this complexity are described.

Cooking the Material in the Relational Field

Really, could there be a more complicated idea or task than what this section’s title suggests? Think of all the psychological details within one person and then think of all the details inside another person. Let’s say you are in a partner relationship. Imagine all the details within you and within your partner. How can you know all the details within yourself, the other, and in the field between? Truly mind-bending, yes? Do we even have a big enough consciousness or memory to know these factors in detail? I don’t think so. However, we have this incredible ability to see the forest as a whole when we can’t see each and every tree. To see the forest, we need to ‘step back’ to the right distance and see the whole. We can learn to see and comprehend the bigger patterns emerging from the component particulars that make up the whole.

As well, knowing that there is  a between, and to, everything in the whole, we can also work with a small carefully selected component particular, which will have an effect on the whole. Let me now share a very simple exercise that can show you, first, a great deal about yourself and your inner conflicts, along with the conflicts in your relational field. Secondly, the exercise may show you the psychic alchemical process in action, if only a little.

The exercise consists of hearing exactly what is said by the other person and letting them know what you hear, no more and no less. The important initial aspect of this exercise is the idea that in most of these experiences there is no truth, but there is opportunity to maintain connection in the here-and-now. This maintaining connection in the moment is key to the alchemical process.

Here is an example how the exercise I am proposing is done:

Mary (upset and shouting): You are such an idiot!

Bob: You said, “You are such an idiot!”

Mary: Absolutely, you are!

Bob: I hear you. You said, “Absolutely you are!”

Many of you will recognize that the above example involves the bare bones of ‘active listening.’ In the present example, this active listening is applied to an incidence of angry name calling. Now, repeating back what the other person said is not about agreeing to what is being said. Rather, this exercise is based on the idea that people want to be heard, and not be ignored and alone with their difficult experience and ensuing emotion. Repetition of the exact words is potentially some kind of ‘evidence’ that the other has paid attention. Of course, this manner of response is no guarantee at all the initial speaker will calm down or feel any better. This way of responding merely offers an opportunity for a defusing opportunity of what could turn into an ugly fight that really no one ever wins and work towards saving and developing the connection. At the least it offers the person who responds in ways intended to acknowledge the other and facilitate connection, an opportunity to at least feel more at peace within themselves. To share my professional observations, most divorces I have ever known about revolved around ongoing and massive disagreements about what constitutes “The Truth.”

You may have noted that the short exchange above does not do justice to the amount of anger, frustration, and feeling of isolation and deeply rooted hurt that accompanies such statements. Such exchanges are most usually the opening volley to a lengthy and painful dispute that only ends when one or both parties run out of energy or make an exit of some sort. Of course, the pattern of conflict will be re-visited over and over, often for years or even decades.

What I am proposing with the above exercise is an alchemical operational beginning. When done well (with the ‘right’ meta-dimensions, at the right moment, with a right intention etc.), one simple injection of active listening could turn a tense and ugly situation into a transformational moment for both parties. Now, I fully admit that being able to offer such transformational possibilities can take years of study and training, and certainly there is much more to it than initial active listening.

You do not need the other person’s cooperation to try this exercise. You may be able to notice, if your awareness is sufficiently strong, your own tendencies to speak beyond acknowledgement of what is said and the emergence of your own issues and history. This microcosm is, I conjecture, the essence of war at all levels up to the international level.

A final thought for your consideration:

Some might say that being born is a dirty trick, and others might say it is a great gift and wonder…

I hope this Field Note has prompted some reflections for you on what matters to you. Contemplate, is it ‘winning the war of words,’ or is it looking after yourself, the other, and the relational field that matters to you?

And as always, gratitude to Heesoon for her support with this Field Note, and for being my partner in the ongoing alchemical process. . ..

Shalom to you all,

Avraham