October 2, 2026       

Field Note #87

Avraham Cohen, PhD, RCC-ACS, CCC

dr.avrahamcohen@gmail.com

(604) 313 8423

(In this time of AI, e-mail, and texting, talking to a real person is often hard to come by. If you want to speak with me directly, do phone, please. I will pick up and talk to you, unless I am in a session, or I am temporarily unavailable. Please leave a message. I will get back to you ASAP.

Of course, if text or email is preferable for you, please text or email me.

THE NUCLEAR BABY

https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1139219802/photo/top-view-of-flowering-purple-crocus-in-spring-garden-elective-focus-copy-space.jpg?b=1&s=612×612&w=0&k=20&c=pwkKEt7mAPV7Mv7V06ZV2PklAm-RW35z-Q1KFos2TuM=

Audio Version:

See two interviews with me here:

1)

2)

https:www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu-A-AOeNz1&t=1121s

Quotes of note:

Breasts are a scandal because they shatter the border between motherhood and sexuality.
― Iris Marion Young

The maternal duty of suckling her own children, prescribed to mothers by hygienists, is based on a physiological principle: the mother’s milk nourishes an infant more perfectly than any other.
― Maria Montessori

On Sleep Deprivation

Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take a dump when your baby takes a dump.

— Tina Fey

Having a baby doesn’t just change your life; it radically shifts the foundation of your marriage from glamorous romance to the sacred, messy work of survival teamwork.

— Unknown

The Nuclear Baby

(Clarifying note: for those of you who do not have children, please insert your own difficult challenging experience. Most of what is written here will apply for you and your experience. This is an opportunity to hone your abilities to think more in terms of process and less in terms of content and details.)

I had the opportunity many decades ago to work in a Day Care for 6 months with 3-5 year olds. I learned a substantial amount, albeit at a beginning level, about the life experience of young children, young children in groups, and their interactions with the adults assigned to work and be with them. I also worked with disturbed and disturbing adolescents for about 12 years; again, a long time ago. I learned about forming relationships with individuals in more or less extreme states. This was an enormous learning for me that continues to this day. Children seem to like me; an asset in being with them for sure. I was a child myself over eight decades ago. I had two parents, whom I critiqued consistently and constantly. I observed my friend’s parents. I studied psychology, counselling, and one course that stuck with me, Developmental Psychology. I seem to have always had an ability to access my psychological mindedness. Over the past years I have worked with numerous couples and individuals who were and are living with small persons at various stages of their development. This is a brief summary of my resumé that ‘qualifies’ me or does not (you decide) to comment on the experience of having, raising, and overall parenting of children. Have you ever noticed and/or wondered why new parents are exhausted, not getting along, not only dropping the ball regularly and talking about how the ball is consistently and persistently being dropped on them. What’s the problem?  Babies are supposed to be cute, cuddly, and loveable, which they almost certainly are. Their arrival in most cases was hoped for and eagerly awaited. Then they arrive and a different reality shows up immediately. What are the details of the factors, inner and outer, of these changes? Is it possible to be prepared?

I will start by sharing an illustrative personal experience. We have two young little ones in our family. The oldest is 4 ½. To put it mildly, she has massive energy. She recently had her first ‘stay over’ for 2 nights at our place. By my standards it went well. She and I had fun together. Truthfully, I am good with children, and they tend to warm up to me as has this little one who of course has seen me along the way as she has come to now being 4 ½.

I woke up the second morning of her ‘stay over’ and went into the living room where she had slept alongside Heesoon, my wife and who is the little one’s grandmother. Please note carefully what I am about to describe took place in only a few seconds. When I came into the room she and Heesoon were engaged with something. I was greeted and they quickly went back to what they were doing. I had an immediate surge of feeling, which shocked me. I was jealous of the attention that would normally come to me in the morning going to this little one.

In a flash I recognized the importance of the ‘usual,’ and more profoundly my need for contact. I was a bit shocked to realize that I was jealous of a child who was 4 ½ and was also upset at being ‘ignored’ by Heesoon. I began to recognize that this pattern of isolation and loneliness that had flashed up immediately was not just my isolated experience. It is the experience of many spouses when a baby arrives, at least in contemporary Western culture.

Lest you think this is about to turn into a diatribe about men and their narcissism, it is not. In my view, anyone who is viewed as narcissistic is demonstrating arrested development, a growth edge; think of the inner infant, or inner 2-year-old, only the person is in their 40’ 0r 50’s. My experience was a micro-experience of the contemporary culture that has migrated to a culture of production and ‘rugged’ individualism,’ coupled seamlessly with growth that stopped at an early stage in life. I see this as a truth for both men and women. And most fortunately my many years of inner and relational work had prepared my consciousness to recognize what was happening in my inner world, and I was able to move quickly back to the actuality of the present moment and my appreciation for this warm and rich scene that was unfolding.

My understanding from talking to couples with a child or children is that the mother is essentially giving themselves over to the infant, toddler, child who needs this level of attention, and is also missing contact with their spouse /partner and this missing is very often buried under deep layers of exhaustion. In another flash I realized I was having the experience that I have witnessed many times with couples who have infants, toddlers, children, and/or teenaged children, in an extremely miniaturized form, and I did have the benefit of my awareness. Most fortunately I was able to shift into the present moment and enjoy the company of this little being, my wife, and to appreciate the beauty of the moment.

I will just add a little bit more here. As you will perhaps recall from reading other field notes I believe it is most desirable that people with leadership positions, and this certainly includes parents, be emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually in a process of becoming “fit.” They need the endurance of a top athlete, the energy of a top leader their well-formed skills, and the authenticity of a truly human being. What I have seen is people struggling to learn how to be in this way while their life is already immersed in this challenging and most difficult process: an exceedingly difficult task. And then there is always a chance of something untoward happening to a family that challenges even the best prepared and equipped. However, it turns out that those few who are already ‘fit’ tend to have the best abilities to respond to and move towards recovery from the unwanted, the uninvited, and even the horrible.

Since I have never had children of my own, I perhaps don’t qualify to speak about how to cope with this incredibly demanding, and most important endeavour. Nonetheless, I wish to offer a few small tips about how to handle challenging situations that crop up while parenting even though you are not fully equipped to do so. I am drawing on my own experiences of intrusions by the difficult and ugly. The key word is pacing. Along with pacing is learning and developing your ability to be calm while in extreme sleep deprivation and subjected to other forms of duress. Central to all this is your awareness; noticing rather than reacting.

Having a very young human in your care is ‘training’ for enlightenment. Choosing to make this so is not easy and yet is a centrally valuable process. If there are two parents, learning to trade off as possible, knowing the issues that are pre-existing between you and within you (not an easy task at all), and doing your best to be allies rather than adversaries, or at least lessening the frequency of adversarial moments. Some relationships will even grow within the existing circumstances, and many will surface the most common issues between them and take them to their most egregious levels.

If available, extended family, good friends, etc., are all very helpful with pacing. However, some individuals who want to be helpful also come with issues that require ‘training/teaching’ them how to be with your child and in line with your views and wishes. These suggestions fit with my usual suggestion to not take goals as instructions. In this case I am suggesting a fast track towards these goals. Think about running a 100meter sprint in record time on a track that is soggy and muddy.

A final thought, I wonder where the educational center is that provides the singularly important preparation for this most important life experience.

As always, my great appreciation to Heesoon for her support with this Field Note.